Call me crazy, but I believe in love. Sometimes I believe in love so much that it hurts.

I'm finding that I have to defend myself a lot right now. I'm ready for a fight, I don't care if you're my grandma or a psychopath, I will defend my relationship because I know it's a good thing. Let's take a look at the Christine from last year. The Christine who was down to eating about 400 calories a day. She looked fabulous, but she was a cranky bitch. It's a strange concept, but if you eat full meals, the headaches will go away. So I went home for Christmas and I relearned how to eat. Then after Christmas I became drunk Christine. I remember a period last winter where I would intentionally get wasted out of my mind so I could drunk dial a certain boy. We never talked on the phone sober until I went on the Eastern trip with Jackie. I drank so much that my body would crave alcohol when I wasn't drunk. I know at least some of my friends were really worried about me, especially my friends from home who knew me better than that. I was not in a good place at all, and I still wasn't in a good place at the beginning of summer.

Then I met Bill. With him, I feel like I can be who I am. The girl who eats and who drinks sometimes, but not all the time. He makes me happy. Ask Jen, she knows when I'm talking to Bill on the phone because I'm smiling. I know there are people out there who are jealous. I know there are people out there who resent us. Some of these people are my friends, and some of them I've never met before. Whoever they are, I want them to know that they should be happy for me because I've finally grown into the person who I'm supposed to be. Jeremy was a part of that process, until I started changing who I was when I was around him. When we broke up last September, I lost a huge piece of my identity, which is why it was so easy for me to stop eating and drink all the time. Now that I'm with Bill, I'm a whole person again. I'm sorry if some of you got to know me when I wasn't who I really am. I led you on and I gave you a false picture of myself. I can only hope that you will love me for who I am now.

This is an excellent paragraph written by Plato from Symposium (I have it in my facebook profile too!) that describes what it's like to find your other half. I think it applies to my current state.

"And when one of them meets with his other half, the actual half of himself, whether he be a lover of youth or a lover of another sort, the pair are lost in an amazement of love and friendship and intimacy, and would not be out of the other's sight, as I may say, even for a moment: these are the people who pass their whole lives together; yet they could not explain what they desire of one another. For the intense yearning which each of them has towards the other does not appear to be the desire of lover's intercourse, but of something else which the soul of either evidently desires and cannot tell, and of which she has only a dark and doubtful presentiment. Suppose Hephaestus, with his instruments, to come to the pair who are lying side, by side and to say to them, "What do you people want of one another?" they would be unable to explain. And suppose further, that when he saw their perplexity he said: "Do you desire to be wholly one; always day and night to be in one another's company? for if this is what you desire, I am ready to melt you into one and let you grow together, so that being two you shall become one, and while you live a common life as if you were a single man, and after your death in the world below still be one departed soul instead of two-I ask whether this is what you lovingly desire, and whether you are satisfied to attain this?"-there is not a man of them who when he heard the proposal would deny or would not acknowledge that this meeting and melting into one another, this becoming one instead of two, was the very expression of his ancient need. And the reason is that human nature was originally one and we were a whole, and the desire and pursuit of the whole is called love. There was a time, I say, when we were one, but now because of the wickedness of mankind God has dispersed us, as the Arcadians were dispersed into villages by the Lacedaemonians. And if we are not obedient to the gods, there is a danger that we shall be split up again and go about in basso-relievo, like the profile figures having only half a nose which are sculptured on monuments, and that we shall be like tallies."

I'm not going to try to explain myself anymore. If I want to move to where Bill is, I'm going to move to where Bill is. Love is about taking chances. Our entire relationship has been a huge chance. So far, we've had good luck. I need to be with my other half to make me whole again.

~*tine*~

I'm really starting to feel the pressure of my approaching adult life. I keep hearing whispers like "What job do you want? Where do you want to live? What are you going to do with a B.A. in Music?" And unfortunately, the one whisper that I haven't heard is "Are you happy with your life?" The answer to that is NO.

No, I don't know what job I want. No, I don't know where I want to live. I'm pretty sure that I'm not doing anything with my major. And I know that I'm not happy with my life. I don't act like a senior in college. Seniors in college are supposed to have more fun than this. I'm not having any fun. Either I'm upset because classes are awful, so then I work harder at school, but then my flute playing sucks, and then I'm upset because I don't give a flying fig if I can play the flute well. It. Doesn't. Matter!! And regularly I'm upset because I miss Bill. I want him back on campus. I'd also like it if I had some support from other people. I know that a long distance relationship is crazy. Especially this big of a distance. Especially after dating for 3 months. But I took a chance, and now I want my friends to tell me that everything will be okay.

I'm so lost on this job thing, I don't even know where to start. I know I don't want to do anything in medicine. Or teaching, unless it's an administrative position.

I know what I want to do right now. I want to read Eclipse and snuggle with my bunny. I want to figure out what this thing in my gut is that has been hurting me since my almost-appendicitis incident in September. I'd also like to not have a swollen ankle. And I'd like to have a hip that didn't feel like it was cutting through something when I walked. I guess I want to be healthy, but I've never even though of myself as sick.

I'd also like to stop with the incessant crying. Fred Rogers and Jim Henson died a long time ago. So did the people from Marshall University who died in the plane crash in 1970. And yes, it's unfortunate that Jennifer Hudson's family died, but I didn't know them, so why the hell do I cry when I watch TV and read the news?

Holy fuck, I'm insane.

~*tine*~